Hello. I am finally starting my blog. A lot of my friends have been encouraging me to start one, and I've always said, "Nobody wants to read what I have to say!" But I think I've finally come to the conclusion that I don't care if nobody reads it. I have something to say, and I always feel better after I've said it.
I have so many different things I want to write about, so I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I'll begin with something that is fairly recent.
I work for a friend. We didn't start out as friends. I was one of her customers. Once I started working for her, we became friends. It was easy to fall in friendship with her. She was my only boss; I was her only employee most of the time. She looked after me, and I looked after her. Most times I think we put each other's needs maybe not ahead of our own, but definitely close to the top of the list of needs that must be paid attention to.
And now something has changed to upset that balance we had. She made a business decision that affected me. She cut my hours. I'm not sure I really understand why. She gave me a few reasons, but I feel there is more to it than what she says. I'm losing 20% of my pay, which in today's economy is quite a pay cut. Well, I guess even in yesterday's economy, 20% is quite a pay cut. That was actually, quite a ridiculous statement.
Other things have changed along with this. She now treats me as an employee rather than as a friend. I feel like I have stepped through some kind of time warp and found myself four years back in time.
What makes this new development most troubling for me is one of the reasons she gave me for the reduction in work hours is because another, former employee wants to pick up some hours. Generally, I'd try to understand this. But this former employee has been very unreliable lately. She's been suffering from some degree of depression and is prone to fits of anger -- not good traits when dealing with the public and their own levels of strangeness. She's tried to come back a few other times recently, but she keeps deciding after one shift that she's just not ready to reenter society just yet.
At first, this hurt. Very badly. I never expected this or saw it coming. I couldn't believe that she would throw me over like this after all we've been through together. All week I've had a strong negative current running through me. I no longer look forward to going in to work. In fact, I now dread it. I don't like to be there. I don't like to deal with the customers. I can't wait to get out of there.
Several people have suggested that I have a heart-to-heart conversation with her about how I feel. But I know this is not possible for me. I have always been too emotional to have honest, yet difficult, conversations. And this is not a time for tears. Instead, I find myself looking at the signs. With every job I've had, I've known when it was time to move on. There are signs that begin to show. I've been ignoring them for a while this time because I normally really enjoy my customers. But I know the signs have been there. And now I can't ignore them any longer. Her decision opened the flood gates and now the signs are pouring forth. I'm literally drenched in them. I have come to acknowledge that my time there is coming to an end, and it is time for me to find my next endeavor.
I do feel the negative currents beginning to disperse. I still don't like being there like I used to. I do have my passive-aggressive imp that wants some freedom of expression. (I really do understand that passive-aggressive behavior is not appropriate, but he's there, and he does want to play awhile after being in lockdown for so many years!)
What seems amazing to me is how quickly I can reassess my relationship with someone. It's happened before and I thought it was kind of an accident then, but maybe this is the way we self-preserve. I no longer see her as my friend. That part of our relationship is done. She, for now, remains my boss, and I am her employee, but friends no more. I know she won't be looking out for me any more than any other employer would. And that's now OK.
